“I’M FINE,” SHE SAID, SMILING. BUT SHE WASN’T.

And she knew it. And she kept on smiling that big fake smile, even though she also knew she might be dying.

We are Me – © LYON 2010

Today I happened upon a post written by an old friend who had just gone through a near-fatal bout of pneumonia.

As I understand it, she had “I’m fine’d” for too long, and almost got too sick before getting help, because she wasn’t facing how she really felt.

She said, “I lied. I’ve been lying for years, saying ‘I’m fine’ and smiling and acting like everything is wonderful . . . when it wasn’t. I’m not lying anymore.”

I admire her courage in coming out with such an admission – she has a huge following, and she might have been concerned about losing some of them.

But she won’t. I guarantee it – because she is out-there-honest about everything else, sharing things most would cringe to even think about. Because it helps the people in her crowd see and heal their own glitches. And they know that and appreciate her for it.

Now I’m calling her out. Because I think she is judging herself way too harshly. It’s not surprising, this so-called lying – we live in a world where any lying is Bad Bad Bad. Even if it is helping you survive.

We are conditioned to fear punishment if we lie. So she was thinking that since she put on Happy Face and said she was fine when she wasn’t, if anyone found out, maybe she’d be thrown out of the tribe, or somehow punished.

The real fact is that the part of her mind that fears being rejected or harmed is simply doing its best to protect her from others’ judgements, criticisms and punishments. And from anyone having power over her, trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.

All of us do it – I have never met a single person who has not in one way or another told an outright lie or simple fib in order to avoid being hurt or coerced into something they don’t want.

I think it’s a good thing, that part that recognizes danger, and acts to keep pain, fear, harm or powerlessness away. I think that’s actually pretty cool, that we have a part of ourselves that does that – we’d end up a mess of bruises, cuts, sprains and breaks if we didn’t pull away from hurt!

So here’s what to do when you recognize that you are acting, putting on a show, not saying out loud the full truth of how you feel at the moment when someone says ‘how are you?’ Or even, when you ask your own self how you feel!

Instead of knee-jerk “I’m fine!”, take a bit of a breath, and ascertain the situation and the person asking.

• If it’s, say, when you’re in line at the grocery store, you might just say, “Well, I’m alive and I’m above ground – a lot to be said about that!”

While not saying how you really feel, which might be anything from shitty to supremely happy – you have fulfilled the societal expectation of answering a polite query. You have kept the connection clean by not lying or fibbing, and you may have even created an opportunity for some laughter – always a good thing.

• If the person is a health-care person trying to help you heal, it’s another story, isn’t it! In this case, you can simply say, “I hurt 8 out of 10 (here in my body), and I feel scared of (surgery or whatever).”

Now you’re being honest, but not whining, and not sugar-coating how you feel in order to look good. You have helped your carer determine how you feel so she can take appropriate actions.

• If it’s your lovey, you might say, “honey, I hurt so bad, and I just need you to hold me.” That’s honest, too – your sweet-love will hopefully understand, hold you in loving arms, and hold open the space of healing.

In any case, when asked how you are, first thing: take a breath.
That helps calm your nervous system.

You can check to see:
Am I hurting?
Am I OK?
Is it any of their business?
What level of sharing do I prefer?
How would I prefer to direct the energy of this conversation?

You can always smile gently, nod, and say nothing!
Or, “I’m doing my best, thanks!”

That’s enough.

Now. About that part of you who has been ‘lying’ all these years. Here’s what to do.

Ask her to come forth and sit on your lap – because you know darn well it’s just a young thing, right? And she needs protection, herself, from your anger or judgement!

Say to her:
“Thank you so much for sticking with me for so many years, even though I have been so mad at you, or tried to make you go away – you stuck with me and did your best to help me! Thank you! I appreciate you so much!”

She will be surprised, and loosen up her shoulders a bit.

Now say,
“I’m so sorry! I tried so hard to ignore you, and to get rid of you, and I thought you were bad for lying! Now I know you were just afraid of rejection and punishment or limitation of some kind by people stronger than I was. I’m so sorry I was so blind to what you were doing! Will you forgive me?”

She will probably put her arms around you and hug you tight and say, “of course!”

And then,
Look her in the eyes, and remember all the times she has fibbed for you, tried to keep you safe from the dangers she perceived – whether they were real or not.

Remember all those times, and recognize the strength and power it took for her to create an act, a semblance, a façade that you could feel safe behind. What devotion!

Recognize that,
And say to her, “We don’t need to do that anymore, honey! We can speak our truth now – by using humor, fun, seriousness – whatever way we choose – but we don’t have to tell untruths anymore. Will you stand by me and help me do that? We’ll have to learn this new way, but I know we can do it!”

Give her a big hug, and just hold her and appreciate her and yourself for a bit, until you feel really good about what you just did.

Because I have a chronic pain condition that causes me a lot of inconvenience, one of my favorite things to say, when someone asks me how I am, is “Mmmm, I think we won’t go there!” as I make a big friendly smile.

Why? Because it’s boring. I don’t want to always be talking about or complaining about the pain. People don’t really want to hear it – they don’t know how to help or do anything to change it. And it reminds them of their own pain.

And since there is nothing anyone can do about it, I don’t want to spend a bunch of time discussing ‘things you could do about it’ with them. How many times have I already gone over all that, myself? Spare me!

So I just mentally think ‘no thanks,’ and say something to guide the conversation to something more fun, like, “What exciting things do you have planned for this summer?” Or, “How is that project you were working on coming along?” Or, “How is your son doing?”

That lifts the mood, and we can create a combined reality that is free from pain, hurt, complaint or morbid thinking. Who needs that!

And if it’s a case where someone wants me to go somewhere or do something I don’t want to do, I don’t have to lie and say “No thanks, I’m busy that day.” I can simply say, “No thanks, I’ll pass.” No explanation – that’s none of anyone’s business.

So remember – the part of you that smiles and acts like everything is OK? Really look at that, and see how you can be present and speak the truth without feeling like you have to protect yourself.

Appreciate that protective part of yourself, and learn together how to be present, speak the truth, and maintain your emotional and mental equilibrium.

I hope this helps.

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